Post by Mel on Jan 15, 2006 23:05:38 GMT -5
How I'm Getting Better
By Tim Pheil L.P.N.
The most important in my recovery is the proper medication. Without them I wouldn’t be able to function. So since my rages started at 2, it took 35 yrs to come up with the right combination. But now since much more is known on these disorders, it wouldn’t taken long if I had shown up at a psychiatrist today with the same set of symptoms to properly treat me. So much has been learned.
Because of my Panic Disorder I had grew up in mental hospitals form age 13 to 19. Most of my adult life has been spent in chaos. I had extremely low self esteem. I always found that perfect women that could treat me the way I thought I should be treated. That was abusive. I was always in physically, emotionally or mentally abusive relationships. What should have been one night stands became 1 year relationships. And that kept me in the area that I felt most comfortable and that was constant crisis. And because of these relationships I was always told what to do, I never had to think for myself (another comfort zone).
A.A. has played an incredible role in my life. I started drinking at age 28 and finally got help at age 35. I was a blackout drinker from day one. I realize now that I was self medicating. Alcohol allowed me to do things that I normally couldn’t do because of my Panic Disorder and helped dull the emotional pain of the Borderline Personality Disorder and Clinical Depression. It wasn’t until I was given the proper medication that I was able to get sober. I still went to A.A. every day, I just couldn’t stay more than 3 months sober.
A.A.’s 4th and 5th Step (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and Admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of wrongs.) is very much like Psychodynamic (regression) type therapy. “Learning to live life on life’s terms” is very much like Cognitive Behavior Therapy. In A.A. I discovered I was totally crisis oriented and in fact self sabotage myself to create the crisis. And thru A.A. and the help of a sponsor I’ve eliminated most of these traits. What helped me the most was the program Quicken. Most of my crisis’s were around money. Using this program allowed me to stay on track.
My old psychiatrist told me that I could rationalize my way around the BPD behaviors. I told him that was impossible for any sufferer to do. But once again I was wrong. When I feel strong emotion particularly anger, I always question if it is rational. Usually it isn’t. I’m not going to say that I’m perfect in this respect, my wife can testify to that. A.A.’s “Letting Go and Letting God” has been particularly helpful.
As a dual diagnosed person I want to control everything around me including people. On that I’m powerless. I have as much power over people as I do the weather. I’m reminded of something I read. In our 20’s we care about how we look to others, in 40’s we don’t care how we look and by our 60s we realize no one was looking.
For the last 2 years I have been in psychodynamic therapy. I feel that it has helped. I feel that an objective look at my life helps me with perspective.
In my recovery medication has had the largest role. And when I feel emotional turmoil I have to look at what was my part in the turmoil and if my emotion is to strong for the situation and is being triggered by my BPD. And because of my Generalized Anxiety Disorder I can easily turn mountains to mole hills. What can cause some slight anxiety can become a paralyzing anxiety to me. I also have to always push myself to get out of my comfort zone with my anxiety, less I spiral back to agoraphobia. I am a master at self sabotage, so I must always stay on guard.
When I broke off my last abusive relationship I decided that since I never had a relationship that worked out I would just stay single. I had to moved to the town where my step daughter and family lived. So I had family including my grandsons. I was content. But my daughter and her friends had other plans. They introduced me to someone who like me had always chose bad relationships. It wasn’t strange at first, she wasn’t abusive, but I was attracted anyway. We are now married and expecting our first child.
It gets better, I promise. Get on the right medications and take them as prescribed. Go to therapy and if you can’t afford it there are books you can use to help yourself such as “Mind over Mood” (Uk) (Can). Get involved with others such as our bulletin boards or chat rooms. No matter how bad you feel, you can always help others. And never give up.
By Tim Pheil L.P.N.
The most important in my recovery is the proper medication. Without them I wouldn’t be able to function. So since my rages started at 2, it took 35 yrs to come up with the right combination. But now since much more is known on these disorders, it wouldn’t taken long if I had shown up at a psychiatrist today with the same set of symptoms to properly treat me. So much has been learned.
Because of my Panic Disorder I had grew up in mental hospitals form age 13 to 19. Most of my adult life has been spent in chaos. I had extremely low self esteem. I always found that perfect women that could treat me the way I thought I should be treated. That was abusive. I was always in physically, emotionally or mentally abusive relationships. What should have been one night stands became 1 year relationships. And that kept me in the area that I felt most comfortable and that was constant crisis. And because of these relationships I was always told what to do, I never had to think for myself (another comfort zone).
A.A. has played an incredible role in my life. I started drinking at age 28 and finally got help at age 35. I was a blackout drinker from day one. I realize now that I was self medicating. Alcohol allowed me to do things that I normally couldn’t do because of my Panic Disorder and helped dull the emotional pain of the Borderline Personality Disorder and Clinical Depression. It wasn’t until I was given the proper medication that I was able to get sober. I still went to A.A. every day, I just couldn’t stay more than 3 months sober.
A.A.’s 4th and 5th Step (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and Admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of wrongs.) is very much like Psychodynamic (regression) type therapy. “Learning to live life on life’s terms” is very much like Cognitive Behavior Therapy. In A.A. I discovered I was totally crisis oriented and in fact self sabotage myself to create the crisis. And thru A.A. and the help of a sponsor I’ve eliminated most of these traits. What helped me the most was the program Quicken. Most of my crisis’s were around money. Using this program allowed me to stay on track.
My old psychiatrist told me that I could rationalize my way around the BPD behaviors. I told him that was impossible for any sufferer to do. But once again I was wrong. When I feel strong emotion particularly anger, I always question if it is rational. Usually it isn’t. I’m not going to say that I’m perfect in this respect, my wife can testify to that. A.A.’s “Letting Go and Letting God” has been particularly helpful.
As a dual diagnosed person I want to control everything around me including people. On that I’m powerless. I have as much power over people as I do the weather. I’m reminded of something I read. In our 20’s we care about how we look to others, in 40’s we don’t care how we look and by our 60s we realize no one was looking.
For the last 2 years I have been in psychodynamic therapy. I feel that it has helped. I feel that an objective look at my life helps me with perspective.
In my recovery medication has had the largest role. And when I feel emotional turmoil I have to look at what was my part in the turmoil and if my emotion is to strong for the situation and is being triggered by my BPD. And because of my Generalized Anxiety Disorder I can easily turn mountains to mole hills. What can cause some slight anxiety can become a paralyzing anxiety to me. I also have to always push myself to get out of my comfort zone with my anxiety, less I spiral back to agoraphobia. I am a master at self sabotage, so I must always stay on guard.
When I broke off my last abusive relationship I decided that since I never had a relationship that worked out I would just stay single. I had to moved to the town where my step daughter and family lived. So I had family including my grandsons. I was content. But my daughter and her friends had other plans. They introduced me to someone who like me had always chose bad relationships. It wasn’t strange at first, she wasn’t abusive, but I was attracted anyway. We are now married and expecting our first child.
It gets better, I promise. Get on the right medications and take them as prescribed. Go to therapy and if you can’t afford it there are books you can use to help yourself such as “Mind over Mood” (Uk) (Can). Get involved with others such as our bulletin boards or chat rooms. No matter how bad you feel, you can always help others. And never give up.