not sure if anyone comes in here...

[Mel]

Well I am not sure if anyone comes in here but I just thought I would come in here and share a few thoughts. AS Some of you know I am Bulimic and have been suggling with it for many years since I was 14 years olds actually Wen I was 12 years ld I was just not eating period and and obessing about my weight and exercising all the time I was really under weight and finally went into the hospital for it when I passed out on the basteket ball court which is where I actually learned about bulmia. But anyways this is all beside the point.

As some of you know I just got out of the hospital about four months about. Well when I wa in the hospital I went through a time where I stopped eatting all together and got down really low and well whatever I stopped eating and drinking and taken meds and everything. I was really at a low point in my life at that time.

Anyways I am doing better now I will say that. But I am struggling with one thing and thats my wieght. They tell me not to worry that its not that high and that its not that bad and what not but its really been on my mind. I've been doing a lot of walking and stuff. No i have't P*** or anything like that but the thoughts have crossed my mind serval times. which kinda worry me. I am joining the YMCA hopefully soon. I am waiting to hear back from them to see how much I have to pay a month. I filled out a FA appilcation to get a discount on the membership. It would be nice if I could get in for free but I don't think that would happen. Anyways. I am really struggling because numbers are always on my mind and fat is always on my mind. I try really har not to think about it but its not working. And My doctor told me that if I start P**** that I will Kill myself that is how bad I have already damaged myself and I know if I start I won't stop and stop and so does she. Anyways thats just whats going through my head right now. Gues I should shut up now. Mel

[Rhonda]

Melissa:

I hate when you think you need to lose weight.

I admit that I have not seen you of late but Donna had told me you were like a walking skeleton when you were admitted.

I wish I could convince you that you are fine the way you are

You have never been heavy and i doubt that you ever will be.

I know no matter what I tell you ... you say i hear you but i know better. i hope and pray that you will be honest with the doctor about whats going on with you so that you do not end up back in hospital after you have worked so hard to get out and get your own place again.

Please take care of you kiddo

Take care of you
~Rhonda

[Mel]

Well when I went into the hospital this last time I will admit I was really really ill. Sicker then Ihave ever been in my life. I don't have want to get that bad again. And yea I even though I didn't see it I was very very very tiny but I didn't see it in myself and and kept on wanting to lose more weight. Anyways I will go into more detail about all that in the private room. I know I have a hard time hearing people when they tell me that I am not FAT or overweight I have always had a problem with that and I guess that came from being tod that all my life when I was younger and being told I was going to be like my father who is like really really 400 500 pounds whihc at 9,11, 12 years of age that scared me to death being told that. So I guess thats where that stemmed from.

I get really scared sometimes that I am going to get really big like that. and I guess there is no such thing in my head of being too thin.

anyways while being in the hospital this past year for almost a year I learned a lot of myself. It got really scary at ties I will say that. At times I thought I would never get out there because I thought I would never get well enough to their standards to get out of there. The staffwere really supporttive and everything. I came to some of my losest points in my life though where I went for weeks without eating or drinking. I was on one on one staff for months on in at times in a canvas gown ONLY. I had a bare room and a bare mattress a few times they TOOK everything and I mean EVERything away from me and Cleared out everything from my room and left me in a heavey canvas gown with nothing else being one on one staff. This went on for about the first 8 months I was there then the last 2 months I was there I was improving and the end of the 10the month May 14th 2008 I went on my trail visit to Fulton Friendship HOuse and then May 23rd I actually went back for my discharge. SO it was a long haul and then some But I must say I went to group after a while and I learned a lot from group and from the people there.
I am doing all I can to stay out of the hospital But if I do have to ever go back in the Hospital again it won't be St Marys Hospital it will be Four WInds Hospital Or Cornell In White Plains.

Ok I think I have said more then enough here. I am not sure if you will get all this but if not thats ok.

ALways Mel

[aka]

Hello Mel,
reading your story made me very sad, my heart goes out to you hun and I sincerely hope, that in the days ahead, you keep making progress and never, return to "those bad days"

The thought came to my mind, that when you look in the mirror, take a little time to look into your heart, there you will find your true beauty.

The contents of the "package", is the the only measure of it's worth, the wrapping is immaterial.

[Mel]

Thanks Jim I am doing a lot better.