Post by aka on Feb 5, 2008 4:46:31 GMT -5
Relationships.
All human actions are motivated by a payoff. All payoffs give the doer a mental/emotional payment of some kind. Even if the payoff seems to be physical, it’s mental/emotional content is the important thing. You may not always be able to see the payoff, but you can be certain that there is one.
All humans also have a fantasy/vision of reality, it gives them their identity and their sense of their place in the greater scheme of things.
It also indicates to them, the place of everyone and everything around them. This fantasy/vision, not only dictates most of their behaviour, but also dictates how they expect others to behave, in respect to them and in general.
It is this last piece that is the base underlying all relationships, whether they be marital, family or with friends and associates. Everyone has a vision in their mind of how they expect others to behave toward them and how they themselves should behave.
When there is conflict in a relationship, one or more of the parties are likely to feel aggrieved or hurt, This can and usually does, lead to anger on the part of the aggrieved party/parties. The degree of hurt and anger is directly related to the closeness of the relationship. For example, any “fall out” in family and marital relationships usually ends up causing heaps more hurt and anger, than a “fall out” with the local butcher.
This is because we expect far more from family and spouses, than we do from others. We have a far more fixed fantasy/vision, of how family members and spouses should behave. Very close friends can also be included in this category.
So if their behaviour transgresses our fantasy/vision, it is not only the hurt caused by what the other party did or didn’t do, but far more importantly the damage that is caused to our fantasy/vision of reality. Our fantasy/vision is our sense of reality, that enables us to make sense out life, it is our explanation of the unknown and dictates our every action. In a way it is our guide for living and without it we would be lost.
Is it any wonder then, that any damage to our basic core belief system, is going to do us a great deal of harm and that we usually react out all proportion to what the offence warrants.
Marriage.
Finally I would like to say a bit about marriage. All people have within them a fantasy/vision, of what married life should be like and what roles each of the partners should play. In other words, they have a preconceived expectation of marriage. Providing the two partners have expectations, that follow reasonably parallel courses, then the marriage has a pretty good foundation and it’s chance for happiness and survival are pretty high. When problems occur, as they will from time to time, these can usually be sorted out by good communication and negotiation.
The more divergent that these expectations are, the lower the chance of happiness and survival are. If there is no common ground, there is no room for negotiation.
An example is a husband who’s expectations are, a wife who stays at home, does the cooking the cleaning and the taking care of the kids. While the wife, expects to continue working and pursue her career. In this type of relationship, there is no common ground or room for negotiation.
While this is the base underlying marriage, there are also other important issues that play a role, the importance of which depends on the particular couple. Two that come to mind are, common interests and goals. Marriage in a way, is the melding of two into one. That being, a unit that has cohesion and common purpose, but still allows individuality.
Each partner must receive a payoff, in a manner that is suitable to them. The payoff, even if might be hard to see, is at it’s most basic level, a mental one that helps maintain the stability of the persons “internal chemical profile”
One last point, because people are constantly changing, in some cases, sad as it is, they can just grow apart.
All human actions are motivated by a payoff. All payoffs give the doer a mental/emotional payment of some kind. Even if the payoff seems to be physical, it’s mental/emotional content is the important thing. You may not always be able to see the payoff, but you can be certain that there is one.
All humans also have a fantasy/vision of reality, it gives them their identity and their sense of their place in the greater scheme of things.
It also indicates to them, the place of everyone and everything around them. This fantasy/vision, not only dictates most of their behaviour, but also dictates how they expect others to behave, in respect to them and in general.
It is this last piece that is the base underlying all relationships, whether they be marital, family or with friends and associates. Everyone has a vision in their mind of how they expect others to behave toward them and how they themselves should behave.
When there is conflict in a relationship, one or more of the parties are likely to feel aggrieved or hurt, This can and usually does, lead to anger on the part of the aggrieved party/parties. The degree of hurt and anger is directly related to the closeness of the relationship. For example, any “fall out” in family and marital relationships usually ends up causing heaps more hurt and anger, than a “fall out” with the local butcher.
This is because we expect far more from family and spouses, than we do from others. We have a far more fixed fantasy/vision, of how family members and spouses should behave. Very close friends can also be included in this category.
So if their behaviour transgresses our fantasy/vision, it is not only the hurt caused by what the other party did or didn’t do, but far more importantly the damage that is caused to our fantasy/vision of reality. Our fantasy/vision is our sense of reality, that enables us to make sense out life, it is our explanation of the unknown and dictates our every action. In a way it is our guide for living and without it we would be lost.
Is it any wonder then, that any damage to our basic core belief system, is going to do us a great deal of harm and that we usually react out all proportion to what the offence warrants.
Marriage.
Finally I would like to say a bit about marriage. All people have within them a fantasy/vision, of what married life should be like and what roles each of the partners should play. In other words, they have a preconceived expectation of marriage. Providing the two partners have expectations, that follow reasonably parallel courses, then the marriage has a pretty good foundation and it’s chance for happiness and survival are pretty high. When problems occur, as they will from time to time, these can usually be sorted out by good communication and negotiation.
The more divergent that these expectations are, the lower the chance of happiness and survival are. If there is no common ground, there is no room for negotiation.
An example is a husband who’s expectations are, a wife who stays at home, does the cooking the cleaning and the taking care of the kids. While the wife, expects to continue working and pursue her career. In this type of relationship, there is no common ground or room for negotiation.
While this is the base underlying marriage, there are also other important issues that play a role, the importance of which depends on the particular couple. Two that come to mind are, common interests and goals. Marriage in a way, is the melding of two into one. That being, a unit that has cohesion and common purpose, but still allows individuality.
Each partner must receive a payoff, in a manner that is suitable to them. The payoff, even if might be hard to see, is at it’s most basic level, a mental one that helps maintain the stability of the persons “internal chemical profile”
One last point, because people are constantly changing, in some cases, sad as it is, they can just grow apart.