Post by Mel on Oct 10, 2006 19:33:06 GMT -5
Must Our Children Be Emotionally Damaged?
by Dale Bailey, ThD
For those of us who are committed to the future of our children, it is terrifying to think of the reality that most children born into marriages of this culture will experience emotional damage. And yet that is what our studies show. Children suffer because parents suffer and are then unable to keep their children safe. The statistics tell the story.
Couples are damaging each other in marriages. Thirty percent (30%) of all murders are spousal murders arising out of pain. 48% of all physical violence takes place within families. It is estimated that 20% of all suicides are attempts to resolve relationship discord. We don't know how many use the mental hospital as an escape. Affairs are common exits, with 60% of all men and 40% of all women engaging in them at some time during their relationship. And affairs are lethal to marriage. Only 35% of marriages are able to survive them. Then there are all the addictions which take their toll.
We know that in this culture couples are in pain. And the evidence shows up especially in the repetitive pattern of divorce and remarriage. According to The Institute for Relationship Therapy in New York, 47% of marriages end in divorce (with the rate in California now estimated to be at 70%). And of the 53% who stay married, 90% report unhappy marriages. Of those who divorce, 76% remarry, which is a testament to the need for connection, but 57% of those in a second marriage also divorce.
Recent studies indicate that every child of divorce is damaged by it. No matter how well the parents handle it, the child is emotionally damaged to some degree, with no exceptions. And the children then damage themselves, or they become damagers of the structures in society, and then objects of massive health, poverty, and corrective programs. They drop out of high school, become teen mothers and are jobless far more frequently than their peers. Other studies also indicate that with the destruction of their childhood security base, these children later fare poorly in their own marriages. The divorces of the parents have far-reaching impact into the generations.
To prevent the damage to children, the parents must be helped to not damage each other and their relationship. And the good news is that we are now witnessing a movement in our culture to do just that. It really has no precedent in history. Time magazine's cover article on February 27, 1995 chronicled the "growing movement to strengthen marriage and prevent divorce". Among the most effective of the programs is Imago Relationship Therapy which is set forth in the N.Y. Times best-seller, Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples, by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
Imago Relationship Therapy reframes the "neurotic" conflict that couples have in relationship as a positive, but unconscious struggle to heal themselves. Once the bliss of romance has passed, each revisits her or his child-parent frustrations in the relationship with the partner and acts them out there in a power struggle. The partner of one's dreams becomes one's worst nightmare. But what erupts in seemingly unresolvable conflict is actually an attempt to resolve long-standing emotional injuries and thereby to finish childhood.
Neither partner can be healed unless each cooperates with the unconscious agenda and becomes the healer of his or her partner in a "conscious marriage". The innovative process described in Hendrix book shows couples how to "get the love they want" by creating this radically new kind of relationship. And in learning to use their relationship for personal change and growth, they discover the joy and spiritual potential of being together and thereby create a caring environment needed by their children. The whole family's life is enriched.
Interested couples can learn these new concepts and the tools they need to enhance or save their relationships by attending a "Getting the Love You Want, Couples Workshop." And for those currently not in a committed relationship, the "Keeping the Love You Find" workshop for individuals helps participants to understand how to achieve lasting love in their next relationship by transforming perceptions and behavior patterns which block lasting intimacy. It also enables single parents to understand and change the maladaptive behavior patterns that are destructive to good parenting. In order to have healthy families where children are not injured, and do not have to spend their adult lives overcoming their childhoods, parents must be healed. Parents must be taught how to heal their partner in a conscious relationship rather than leave when the going gets tough. And we now know how to make all of that happen. I believe that the creation of a conscious marriage stimulates deeper personal growth, more strategically and powerfully, than either of the traditional healing modalities of psychotherapy or religion. And with that growth and healing of parents, there is promise for the future of our children.
Dr. Bailey is a licensed psychologist practicing Imago Relationship Therapy in Albany, CA. He is also certified by Dr. Hendrix to present both the Couples and the Singles workshops and presents them regularly in San Francisco.
by Dale Bailey, ThD
For those of us who are committed to the future of our children, it is terrifying to think of the reality that most children born into marriages of this culture will experience emotional damage. And yet that is what our studies show. Children suffer because parents suffer and are then unable to keep their children safe. The statistics tell the story.
Couples are damaging each other in marriages. Thirty percent (30%) of all murders are spousal murders arising out of pain. 48% of all physical violence takes place within families. It is estimated that 20% of all suicides are attempts to resolve relationship discord. We don't know how many use the mental hospital as an escape. Affairs are common exits, with 60% of all men and 40% of all women engaging in them at some time during their relationship. And affairs are lethal to marriage. Only 35% of marriages are able to survive them. Then there are all the addictions which take their toll.
We know that in this culture couples are in pain. And the evidence shows up especially in the repetitive pattern of divorce and remarriage. According to The Institute for Relationship Therapy in New York, 47% of marriages end in divorce (with the rate in California now estimated to be at 70%). And of the 53% who stay married, 90% report unhappy marriages. Of those who divorce, 76% remarry, which is a testament to the need for connection, but 57% of those in a second marriage also divorce.
Recent studies indicate that every child of divorce is damaged by it. No matter how well the parents handle it, the child is emotionally damaged to some degree, with no exceptions. And the children then damage themselves, or they become damagers of the structures in society, and then objects of massive health, poverty, and corrective programs. They drop out of high school, become teen mothers and are jobless far more frequently than their peers. Other studies also indicate that with the destruction of their childhood security base, these children later fare poorly in their own marriages. The divorces of the parents have far-reaching impact into the generations.
To prevent the damage to children, the parents must be helped to not damage each other and their relationship. And the good news is that we are now witnessing a movement in our culture to do just that. It really has no precedent in history. Time magazine's cover article on February 27, 1995 chronicled the "growing movement to strengthen marriage and prevent divorce". Among the most effective of the programs is Imago Relationship Therapy which is set forth in the N.Y. Times best-seller, Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples, by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
Imago Relationship Therapy reframes the "neurotic" conflict that couples have in relationship as a positive, but unconscious struggle to heal themselves. Once the bliss of romance has passed, each revisits her or his child-parent frustrations in the relationship with the partner and acts them out there in a power struggle. The partner of one's dreams becomes one's worst nightmare. But what erupts in seemingly unresolvable conflict is actually an attempt to resolve long-standing emotional injuries and thereby to finish childhood.
Neither partner can be healed unless each cooperates with the unconscious agenda and becomes the healer of his or her partner in a "conscious marriage". The innovative process described in Hendrix book shows couples how to "get the love they want" by creating this radically new kind of relationship. And in learning to use their relationship for personal change and growth, they discover the joy and spiritual potential of being together and thereby create a caring environment needed by their children. The whole family's life is enriched.
Interested couples can learn these new concepts and the tools they need to enhance or save their relationships by attending a "Getting the Love You Want, Couples Workshop." And for those currently not in a committed relationship, the "Keeping the Love You Find" workshop for individuals helps participants to understand how to achieve lasting love in their next relationship by transforming perceptions and behavior patterns which block lasting intimacy. It also enables single parents to understand and change the maladaptive behavior patterns that are destructive to good parenting. In order to have healthy families where children are not injured, and do not have to spend their adult lives overcoming their childhoods, parents must be healed. Parents must be taught how to heal their partner in a conscious relationship rather than leave when the going gets tough. And we now know how to make all of that happen. I believe that the creation of a conscious marriage stimulates deeper personal growth, more strategically and powerfully, than either of the traditional healing modalities of psychotherapy or religion. And with that growth and healing of parents, there is promise for the future of our children.
Dr. Bailey is a licensed psychologist practicing Imago Relationship Therapy in Albany, CA. He is also certified by Dr. Hendrix to present both the Couples and the Singles workshops and presents them regularly in San Francisco.