Post by Mel on Dec 31, 2005 18:16:27 GMT -5
Feelings You May HaveUpon learning of another's SI you may feel a large variety of emotions: shock and denial, anger and frustration, empathy and sadness, and guilt. I'm going to discuss these emotions in the following paragraphs.
Shock and DenialSince SI is often carefully hidden you might have been shocked to learn that a loved one is hurting themselves. You might not have noticed any of the signs connected to SI such as the refusal to wear short-sleeved shirts, or shorts. Or the frequent "accidents" that there were always excuses for. But remember this, SI is a secretive behavior and is usually done when the person is alone and the injuries are usually hidden. But, also some family members or friends ignore or deny many of the signs. So, that when you do find out about the SI you are shocked.
Denial is closely related to shock. It is often necessary for all of us to use denial to survive in this world where so much misery exists. If we were unable to deny or lessen the huge amount of starvation, wars, poverty, etc. we would probably be in a state of constant depression. But in the case with SI, denial is detrimental and can deeply hurt your loved one who SI's. SI show's how much emotional pain an individual is in and to deny the SI is to deny the presence of that pain. Denial may make that loved one feel that you are uninterested, are unwilling to help, or simply just do not understand. Therefore it is very important that you do not deny the reality of the SI behavior of a loved one and its implications. This may be very difficult for you to do but it is absolutely essential to respond to the SI so that you may be able to help the person who hurts themselves.
Anger and FrustrationAnger is a common response upon learning of a loved one's SI. First, the anger may come from the many lies that quite often surround SI. Many SI'ers lie about their behavior to feel less ashamed or to ward of other's feelings of anger, disgust, or rejection. But when the lies are found out these are often the feelings that result. You may feel angry or disgusted because you were lied to. You may not understand the reason that the SI'er lied and therefore may feel even more angry. The lies indicate distrust, and this implied lack of trust and openness between you and the SI'er may anger or even hurt you.
You might feel that the SI behavior is uneccessary, which might also anger you. It may be very frustrating to watch someone else hurt themselves. You might feel the need to scold the person or force them to stop SI'ing. This frustration comes about from your inability to control other's behaviors. No matter how much you may dislike what the self-injurer does, and no matter how much you might try to control what they do, you simply cannot.
Self-injury is different from most other behaviors because the results are physically visible. This may cause you to feel your own helplessness in changing the SI'ers behavior. Realizing your helplessness in this situation may also cause you to feel anger and frustration.
Empathy, Sympathy, and SadnessUnderstanding how much another person hurts emotionally is good and bad. It allows you to help them. But it also may cause deep psychological pain within you.
Empathy is the "ability to understand the perspective and situation of another. When you are empathetic you are able to enter the emotional world of another. You take perspective and see the world through the eyes of that person." Of course it is impossible for you to feel exactly what another feels and to experience what they experience. But empathy may help you to gain understanding of the SI'ers situation.
Self-injurers feel a lot of emotional pain. Understanding this pain is very helpful when you are supporting and assisting the SI-er. But there is a negative part to empathy, that is the loss of detachment or "separate perspective." When you are looking into and experiencing another person's inner world it does affect you. As a human being you are often unable to stop this, so as a result you might feel some of the sadness and pain of the SI-er. So, empathy might result in sadness.
You might feel sad for the person who SI's. This sadness you feel for another is sympathy. When we feel sympathetic towards another person, we see them as someone worth our pity, which can be a condescending view. Empathy is a helpful emotion, but sympathy is not. Sympathy puts the SI'er in an inferior position. When we feel sympathy we presume to understand how they feel and how they see their situation. A SI'er might see their SI as a positive behavior that helps them survive. But from a sympathetic stance their SI might look like a negative behavior. So, basically sympathy and the sadness that may come with it are not useful; rather, it blocks understanding and "objectifies the person for whom you feel pity."
Shock and DenialSince SI is often carefully hidden you might have been shocked to learn that a loved one is hurting themselves. You might not have noticed any of the signs connected to SI such as the refusal to wear short-sleeved shirts, or shorts. Or the frequent "accidents" that there were always excuses for. But remember this, SI is a secretive behavior and is usually done when the person is alone and the injuries are usually hidden. But, also some family members or friends ignore or deny many of the signs. So, that when you do find out about the SI you are shocked.
Denial is closely related to shock. It is often necessary for all of us to use denial to survive in this world where so much misery exists. If we were unable to deny or lessen the huge amount of starvation, wars, poverty, etc. we would probably be in a state of constant depression. But in the case with SI, denial is detrimental and can deeply hurt your loved one who SI's. SI show's how much emotional pain an individual is in and to deny the SI is to deny the presence of that pain. Denial may make that loved one feel that you are uninterested, are unwilling to help, or simply just do not understand. Therefore it is very important that you do not deny the reality of the SI behavior of a loved one and its implications. This may be very difficult for you to do but it is absolutely essential to respond to the SI so that you may be able to help the person who hurts themselves.
Anger and FrustrationAnger is a common response upon learning of a loved one's SI. First, the anger may come from the many lies that quite often surround SI. Many SI'ers lie about their behavior to feel less ashamed or to ward of other's feelings of anger, disgust, or rejection. But when the lies are found out these are often the feelings that result. You may feel angry or disgusted because you were lied to. You may not understand the reason that the SI'er lied and therefore may feel even more angry. The lies indicate distrust, and this implied lack of trust and openness between you and the SI'er may anger or even hurt you.
You might feel that the SI behavior is uneccessary, which might also anger you. It may be very frustrating to watch someone else hurt themselves. You might feel the need to scold the person or force them to stop SI'ing. This frustration comes about from your inability to control other's behaviors. No matter how much you may dislike what the self-injurer does, and no matter how much you might try to control what they do, you simply cannot.
Self-injury is different from most other behaviors because the results are physically visible. This may cause you to feel your own helplessness in changing the SI'ers behavior. Realizing your helplessness in this situation may also cause you to feel anger and frustration.
Empathy, Sympathy, and SadnessUnderstanding how much another person hurts emotionally is good and bad. It allows you to help them. But it also may cause deep psychological pain within you.
Empathy is the "ability to understand the perspective and situation of another. When you are empathetic you are able to enter the emotional world of another. You take perspective and see the world through the eyes of that person." Of course it is impossible for you to feel exactly what another feels and to experience what they experience. But empathy may help you to gain understanding of the SI'ers situation.
Self-injurers feel a lot of emotional pain. Understanding this pain is very helpful when you are supporting and assisting the SI-er. But there is a negative part to empathy, that is the loss of detachment or "separate perspective." When you are looking into and experiencing another person's inner world it does affect you. As a human being you are often unable to stop this, so as a result you might feel some of the sadness and pain of the SI-er. So, empathy might result in sadness.
You might feel sad for the person who SI's. This sadness you feel for another is sympathy. When we feel sympathetic towards another person, we see them as someone worth our pity, which can be a condescending view. Empathy is a helpful emotion, but sympathy is not. Sympathy puts the SI'er in an inferior position. When we feel sympathy we presume to understand how they feel and how they see their situation. A SI'er might see their SI as a positive behavior that helps them survive. But from a sympathetic stance their SI might look like a negative behavior. So, basically sympathy and the sadness that may come with it are not useful; rather, it blocks understanding and "objectifies the person for whom you feel pity."