Post by Mel on Dec 31, 2005 18:18:24 GMT -5
What to Do, What NOT to Do As a friend or a relative of a self-injurer you probably want to help them, to ease their emotional pain. But, without the right knowledge this "helping" could hurt more than it helps the SI'er. So, this section has some ideas on what you should do, and what you shouldn't do while trying to help someone who self-injures.
Do Talk About SI...Within ReasonAs has been mentioned before SI is an isolated and secretive behavior. Whether or not you discuss it, it exists. Ignoring self-injury does not make it go away. It may actually cause more damage, because, first of all, ignoring SI actually may help reinforce the feeling of shame surrounding the behavior. Many people who SI feel that what they do is so shameful that talking about it is a taboo. So, basically, the secrecy and feelings of shame are strengthened. Second, it can add to the factors that lead to self-injury. When communication is weak, there may be an increase in feelings of isolation and alienation - feelings that often precede an act of SI. So, therefore, by not talking about SI, you might actually increase the chances of your friend or family member hurting themselves again.
Talking about self-injury is important. That may be a good start to helping a person who hurts themselves. You can remove the shame and secrecy associated with SI. And, you encourage communication between you and the SI'er. You help create change just by talking.
Something that might stop you is that you might not know what to say. Even though you might not know what to discuss, just be acknowledging that you want to talk opens up communication channels. Here are some questions and topics you might want to address:
"How long have you been hurting yourself?"
"Why do you hurt yourself?"
"How do you hurt yourself?"
"When and where do you usually hurt yourself?"
"How often do you injure yourself?"
"How did you learn to hurt yourself?"
"What is it like for you to talk with me about hurting yourself?"
"Does it hurt when you injure yourself?"
"How open are you about your self-injurious behaviors?"
"Do you want to change your SI behaviors?"
"How can I help you with your SI?"
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But Dont...Don't keep asking questions if the self-injurer does not wish to talk about their self-injury. This is intrusive and unwelcome. This may cause even further alienation, make them feel even more alone and isolated. The SI'er may eventually open up to you but this will be when and where they want to. Just, make sure they know that you are willing to talk and to listen to them and that you will try to be understanding and not judgemental. Until then, don't pressure them.
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Do Be SupportiveTalking is one way to show support, but there are many other ways to show it as well. A good way to determine how to offer support is to ask directly. That way, you know what kind of support to offer that is helpful. Also, being supportive is to keep your negative reactions to yourself. Making judgements or hurtful responses conflict with support. To help the loved one who self-injures you must put aside your negative thoughts and feelings for the moment. This is crucial if you want to help the SI'er. You can only provide support by being supportive. I'm not saying that you aren't going to have negative thoughts or emotions but that you must hide them. At a time when the self-injurer is emotionally healthy and you are not offering help you may, without being emotionally hurtful, express your thoughts and feelings.
Do Talk About SI...Within ReasonAs has been mentioned before SI is an isolated and secretive behavior. Whether or not you discuss it, it exists. Ignoring self-injury does not make it go away. It may actually cause more damage, because, first of all, ignoring SI actually may help reinforce the feeling of shame surrounding the behavior. Many people who SI feel that what they do is so shameful that talking about it is a taboo. So, basically, the secrecy and feelings of shame are strengthened. Second, it can add to the factors that lead to self-injury. When communication is weak, there may be an increase in feelings of isolation and alienation - feelings that often precede an act of SI. So, therefore, by not talking about SI, you might actually increase the chances of your friend or family member hurting themselves again.
Talking about self-injury is important. That may be a good start to helping a person who hurts themselves. You can remove the shame and secrecy associated with SI. And, you encourage communication between you and the SI'er. You help create change just by talking.
Something that might stop you is that you might not know what to say. Even though you might not know what to discuss, just be acknowledging that you want to talk opens up communication channels. Here are some questions and topics you might want to address:
"How long have you been hurting yourself?"
"Why do you hurt yourself?"
"How do you hurt yourself?"
"When and where do you usually hurt yourself?"
"How often do you injure yourself?"
"How did you learn to hurt yourself?"
"What is it like for you to talk with me about hurting yourself?"
"Does it hurt when you injure yourself?"
"How open are you about your self-injurious behaviors?"
"Do you want to change your SI behaviors?"
"How can I help you with your SI?"
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But Dont...Don't keep asking questions if the self-injurer does not wish to talk about their self-injury. This is intrusive and unwelcome. This may cause even further alienation, make them feel even more alone and isolated. The SI'er may eventually open up to you but this will be when and where they want to. Just, make sure they know that you are willing to talk and to listen to them and that you will try to be understanding and not judgemental. Until then, don't pressure them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do Be SupportiveTalking is one way to show support, but there are many other ways to show it as well. A good way to determine how to offer support is to ask directly. That way, you know what kind of support to offer that is helpful. Also, being supportive is to keep your negative reactions to yourself. Making judgements or hurtful responses conflict with support. To help the loved one who self-injures you must put aside your negative thoughts and feelings for the moment. This is crucial if you want to help the SI'er. You can only provide support by being supportive. I'm not saying that you aren't going to have negative thoughts or emotions but that you must hide them. At a time when the self-injurer is emotionally healthy and you are not offering help you may, without being emotionally hurtful, express your thoughts and feelings.