Post by Mel on Dec 31, 2005 18:21:31 GMT -5
I almost gave in...By Rebekah Tapp
Last night…
…I wasn't just crying your few normal "boo hoo" tears… I couldn't breath. I was gasping for air. I pulled at my hair from the back of my head. My fingers became mangled in it. Tears flooded my eyes and ran through the spaces of my fingers, spilling onto my face. They burned on my already hot skin. I rocked back and forth in your metal, brown chair with my head in my shaky hands. My chest hurt from lack of air. I knew I was dying…
…and yet somehow, I couldn't seem to find the will to wake you…
…you just seemed too peaceful…
…I heard you breathing, but it didn't calm my heart...
…I thought you would wake up on your own from the sound of my crying. I half hoped you would. I needed then, more than ever, to feel your strong arms around me. I was weak, and breaking for reasons I didn't know. So I sat there, listening to the music on your computer and wept harder than I ever have in my entire life. I couldn't hold anything back any longer. What's worse is, I doubted 'us.' I doubted everything good in my life. I doubted my life and the things I valued…
…I found my fingernail embedded in my arm. Then I remembered the razor in my purse… and reached inside. I took it out, shaking. Afraid... Not afraid of my actions, but afraid of what you would do. I pushed it into my arm. A small cut, but it bled… and I didn't feel it. No! I can't do this! I thought to myself. I threw the razor down and it slid across your floor. I continued to weep. You woke up and put your arms around me. I jumped. You asked me what was wrong and when I didn't answer, you asked me to come lay down with you… so I did, hoping it would calm me…
…But I couldn't sleep. Your arm held me close but I was able to get back up from the bed. The crying had subsided, but not for long. I went back to the computer and played "I can only imagine" and prayed harder than I ever had. I turned your desk light off. The river of tears returned. I looked to you, still sleeping, and whispered, "What would you do if I died? What would you think? Would you even care?" I knew, deep in my heart, you would be crushed. I was still rocking…
…I whispered, "You're the only thing keeping me alive right now. I couldn't lose you. I can't see myself without you. I am so scared right now. I don't know what to do. I need help. I need the help that no one can give me…"
…You woke up and heard me crying. You sat on your bed behind me and put your arm around me and held me tight. I rested my head in the corner of your arm. You gently pulled my wet hair out of my face and put your cheek against mine. You said "I wish you would tell me what was wrong." Still crying I said, "I wish I knew." You pulled me from the chair, onto your bed, and into your embrace. You talked to me and made the tears fade away…
…"I love you so much," you said. In a whisper I said "I don't understand how. I mean, all I do is complain, I have a lot of problems, I cry all of the time… I just don't understand how." You put your hand under my chin and our eyes met. You said "I made a promise to you. You're only human. You can't be perfect. And I know… that this is how you are. But I still love you. And like I said, you're only human, but I love you." You kissed my forehead and we rocked back and forth together…
…I hesitated. "I almost gave in." You looked confused, "What? Do you mean?" I held back tears. "There is a razor on your floor… because I
…So I sit here now…
…alive because you cared last night…
…You showed me what real love is...
…and how you really will be there no matter what…
…I could have died last night…
…but I couldn't leave you behind…
…not after everything you have done for me…
…I almost gave in last night. I almost let my life slip between the cracks of my hands. I almost let my broken heart get the best of me…
…But I didn't…
Last night…
…I wasn't just crying your few normal "boo hoo" tears… I couldn't breath. I was gasping for air. I pulled at my hair from the back of my head. My fingers became mangled in it. Tears flooded my eyes and ran through the spaces of my fingers, spilling onto my face. They burned on my already hot skin. I rocked back and forth in your metal, brown chair with my head in my shaky hands. My chest hurt from lack of air. I knew I was dying…
…and yet somehow, I couldn't seem to find the will to wake you…
…you just seemed too peaceful…
…I heard you breathing, but it didn't calm my heart...
…I thought you would wake up on your own from the sound of my crying. I half hoped you would. I needed then, more than ever, to feel your strong arms around me. I was weak, and breaking for reasons I didn't know. So I sat there, listening to the music on your computer and wept harder than I ever have in my entire life. I couldn't hold anything back any longer. What's worse is, I doubted 'us.' I doubted everything good in my life. I doubted my life and the things I valued…
…I found my fingernail embedded in my arm. Then I remembered the razor in my purse… and reached inside. I took it out, shaking. Afraid... Not afraid of my actions, but afraid of what you would do. I pushed it into my arm. A small cut, but it bled… and I didn't feel it. No! I can't do this! I thought to myself. I threw the razor down and it slid across your floor. I continued to weep. You woke up and put your arms around me. I jumped. You asked me what was wrong and when I didn't answer, you asked me to come lay down with you… so I did, hoping it would calm me…
…But I couldn't sleep. Your arm held me close but I was able to get back up from the bed. The crying had subsided, but not for long. I went back to the computer and played "I can only imagine" and prayed harder than I ever had. I turned your desk light off. The river of tears returned. I looked to you, still sleeping, and whispered, "What would you do if I died? What would you think? Would you even care?" I knew, deep in my heart, you would be crushed. I was still rocking…
…I whispered, "You're the only thing keeping me alive right now. I couldn't lose you. I can't see myself without you. I am so scared right now. I don't know what to do. I need help. I need the help that no one can give me…"
…You woke up and heard me crying. You sat on your bed behind me and put your arm around me and held me tight. I rested my head in the corner of your arm. You gently pulled my wet hair out of my face and put your cheek against mine. You said "I wish you would tell me what was wrong." Still crying I said, "I wish I knew." You pulled me from the chair, onto your bed, and into your embrace. You talked to me and made the tears fade away…
…"I love you so much," you said. In a whisper I said "I don't understand how. I mean, all I do is complain, I have a lot of problems, I cry all of the time… I just don't understand how." You put your hand under my chin and our eyes met. You said "I made a promise to you. You're only human. You can't be perfect. And I know… that this is how you are. But I still love you. And like I said, you're only human, but I love you." You kissed my forehead and we rocked back and forth together…
…I hesitated. "I almost gave in." You looked confused, "What? Do you mean?" I held back tears. "There is a razor on your floor… because I
…So I sit here now…
…alive because you cared last night…
…You showed me what real love is...
…and how you really will be there no matter what…
…I could have died last night…
…but I couldn't leave you behind…
…not after everything you have done for me…
…I almost gave in last night. I almost let my life slip between the cracks of my hands. I almost let my broken heart get the best of me…
…But I didn't…